Why I Never Dated Outside My Race and Why I'm Going To Change That

 (via pintrest)

I always wondered why I never dated outside my race or at least talk to someone of a different background. I really thought I was prejudice but then I thought of all the guys that weren't black that I had a crush on throughout my life.

My first crush was Shane, he was Middle Eastern but I wasn't sure what country exactly. We were in the 4th grade and he always used to make me laugh. I felt so special because I was the only girl he talked to, most of the girls were stuck up. We'd sit on the floor in the classroom during free time and do weird stuff with our voices and put our knees under our shirts to make boobies. I never smiled with a boy before, I was so used to crying around them from being teased and tormented. I knew he was my friend.

Then one day I had this feeling come over me and I knew I didn't just like him, I liked him liked him (if you watched Hey Arnold you know what I mean haha). So one day we were on the floor joking around talking as usual and one of my friends who I secretly hated came up to us and said "You know she has a crush on you Shane." I gave her a "are you crazy" look and looked at Shane feeling so embarrassed. He looked at me and looked down. He looked upset as his cheeks turned red. "Tashana has a crush on Shaaaane." She sang with an evil grin. I wanted to fight her at that moment but I didnt want to get in trouble besides,  I always knew she was jealous of our friendship. After that day we never talked again, then I guessed he moved or whatever.

For some reason outside of my race I always had a crush on someone and they would like me too but it was always so uncomfortable. I went to a school where everyone was segregated by race and if you weren't a black male somebody was going to give you problems.

Going into college it was still natural to date "my own kind" and as relationships passed, I lost interest. I wanted to date outside my race but I didnt know how to go about it. It seemed as if dating black men were just easier.  You have the Asian's who have a different cultures and customs, and as much as I love what's different, dating on the other hand wouldn't be as good if the family is not accepting. Then you have the Caucasians and that's pretty self explanatory, and its not all about racism, they just don't know what they do sometimes especially in California.

Now I'm in New York and I've been trying to step out of my comfort circle which is a lot easier being that the city is a huge melting pot.I'm not saying I'm through with black men, I'm just expanding my options.

Have you ever dated outside your race? Would you say it's different? What are your thoughts on interracial love

Amanda Bynes' Possible Traumatic Childhood?

We all know Amanda Bynes has been all over the news and magazines with her latest acts of odd behavior. Some glorify her others are annoyed by it believing that she is doing it all for attention. But the issue is rooted deeper. Two weeks ago authorities placed her on 5150 psych hold after she allegedly started a fire in the driveway of a home near her parents' house in Thousand Oaks, Calif. Her strange behavior has been going on for years, and it just gotten worse through time. "People close to Bynes are convinced she's suffering from mental illness, specifically schizophrenia." Child stars are commonly known for mental illnesses, specifically females like Lindsey Lohan and Britney Spears for example. Who knows what goes on behind closed doors in entertainment but it is more than the whole transition from a child to an adult in the business. I can't confirm this but I believe that Disney, Nickelodeon and other children entertainment business are filled with perverted sexual acts, trauma and mind control to these child actors. More so for children who grew up in the industry. People don't want to believe it but this has been happening and still is. Even more disappointing is the parents of the child who is very money hungry and allows their own child to spiral out of control, like Drew Barrymore for example. When put in the spotlight at a young age it is a lot of pressure and most definitely detrimental to their mental health. This is just common sense though. I highly doubt anyone would want to be put in a negative light. Britney Spears maybe didnt have a picture perfect life as it seems once she started her career at the Mickey Mouse club. This is a very sick world we live in.

I looked further into mental illness linked to abuse and I came across this site http://vigilantcitizen.com/ . It mainly talks about conspiracies and illuminati in the media and history, but I came across this very disturbing story about an artist with 13 personas, her name is Kim Noble. Faced with mind control trauma since she was 2, she has over 13 alter personas who don't know each other but they all paint, each unique in its own. She was diagnosed DID and MPD (dissociative identity disorder and multiple personality disorder)  

“Kim Noble  is a  woman who, from the age of 14 years, spent 20 years in and out of hospital until she made contact with Dr Valerie Sinason and Dr Rob Hale at the Tavistock and Portman Clinics.  In 1995 she began therapy and was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder (originally named multiple personality disorder). D.I.D is a creative way to cope with unbearable pain. The main personality splits into several parts with dissociative or amnesic barriers between them. It is a controversial disorder but Kim has had extensive tests over 2 years by leading psychology professor at UCL, John Morton, who has established there is no memory between the personalities and that she has the misfortune of representing the British gold standard over genuine dissociation.

Having no formal art training, Kim and 13 of her personalities (alters) became interested in painting in 2004 after spending a short time with an art therapist. These 12 artists each have their own distinctive style, colours and themes, ranging from solitary desert scenes to sea scenes to abstracts, collages, and paintings with traumatic content. Many alters are unaware that they share a body with other artists.

What is remarkable to all is both the quality of their work and the speed of their progress. Within five years of starting to paint they have already had seventeen successful solo exhibitions and participated in an equal number of group exhibitions. Kim was also the first Artist in Residence at Springfield University Hospital in Tooting, South West London.”
- kimnoble.com

Check out a run down of her art work. (viewers discretion!)
http://vigilantcitizen.com/vigilantreport/the-world-of-mind-control-through-the-eyes-of-an-artist-with-13-alter-personas/


Check out the oprah interviews and her website.
http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/Art-Therapy-and-Dissociative-Identity-Disorder-Video
http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/Kim-Nobles-Judy-Personality-Video
http://www.kimnoble.com/


Could it be that Amanda Bynes isn't hungry for attention? We have to acknowledge all the possibilities and hope that she recovers as well as seek professional help to get to the root of her problem.

Pursuit of Happiness

They say the best things in life are free, and I couldn't agree with them more. How can I find myself when were trapped in a society where were told what to do. How can I be free when I'm a slave to money. How can I pursue happiness when I'm persuaded to do what it takes to live the American dream. What a damn facade America is. Where we are constantly spending money we don't have to be in debt til death do us part. Not me. I don't want to care about possessions, I've learned through time to be happy without them and as time progresses I've become more dependent on striving to make my spirit happy rather than turning to material things as a form of therapy. Granted, I get sad when I can't afford to buy nice clothes or get my hair done, but I know it is apart of my transformation to becoming the someone that I can't even fathom of being. And the people who I attract in my life to come will be nothing short of amazing and fill my heart with joy and light. I know that for a fact.

As go to work everyday, I feel empty inside as I refill shelves, ring up customers and clean up after them too. It's a constant battle to go to work almost every day, and I really can't wrap my mind around why. Of course everyone goes through this, we all work for corporate America, but I have no idea why I cannot deal. I often compromise not being able to pay rent next week everytime I call out and to be honest, I don't care. I told my friend that I want become the first black woman hitchhiker that I know. Although I was joking, there was some truth in it. Although they make no money, they seem to be the happiest people I've ever seen. I heard some stories about people who are homeless by choice and they too are happy. Not saying I want to drop everything I have and all that I've known to become one with the earth. I just want a part of it, a little piece of true freedom that has been stolen by our culture.

This morning my friend Sheldon and I went on a mini adventure to Williamsburg at the very edge of brooklyn where you can see the Manhattan Bridge. Although it was overcast, it was beautiful. The water crashing on the sand was calming as the warm breeze blew through my body. It was very therapeutic aside from all the chaos NYC has to offer. I loved it.

Subway Encounter 2

An older black man came up to me at broadway junction while I was reading. "Did I bother you with my loud talking on the train," he said in a catty tone. I looked up from my book and replied "yea, but I was able to tune you out."  I knew he was trying to start a conversation with me. "You know, I never seen a tall young woman carry herself the way you do." He tried to explain how I look intelligent and not a lot of black people know how to read. Of course I wasn't impressed with that remark. "It's because I carry a book, I'm intelligent," I replied. He got stumped and then tried to compliment me. He basically said I look smart but he couldn't elaborate when I said why. "I have a big forehead?" I said with a frown. He disagreed and quickly changed the topic since that conversation was obviously going nowhere.

He asked me my age and I told him 21. He looked down nodding his head as his eyebrows furrowed together as if he was thinking hard about something. He said he's a comedian then refused to make me laugh without charging me 5 dollars. I looked at him and shrugged, but this stranger did not give up. He then gets into talking about comedians like Kevin Hart who used his tough life to make people laugh. That's what he wanted to do. He loved making people laugh, but for a price I presume. Then out of the blue he jumps into a Martin impersonation which made me laugh hysterically. Suddenly I was interested in this 36 year old man. He messed all that up when he said he has "a lot" of girlfriends. I looked at him blankly waiting for a reason as to why he brought that up. 

Then a concerned look appeared on his face and he motioned his hands in a way explaining that he was not trying to hit on me. We exchanged questioning looks and leaned back at the same time. The fact we acted the same way, had us laughing so hard we took a couple of steps away from each other cracking up. I then knew he could be a good friend regardless of his age or demeanor. He told me little about his life, his name and email in which I don't remember neither of them. But I hope to see him around sometime. Although I was late to work, he truly made my day in the subway station that day. 

Subway Encounter

To get to work I take the subway. Almost everyday I hop on the j to the c to get to my destination. Right when I get off at broadway junction I get a guy or a couple guys doing some sus stuff. Like the other day this guy said in my ear "you're too pretty to be looking down" Done scared me out of my mind! I didn't even turn my head to glance at whomever said that, I just winced at the creepiness I just had experienced. This black man failed to think that I could be looking down for a moment to watch my step. What do these guys think, I got low self esteem. No negro, my esteem is far from that. Nonetheless I keep moving and let the voice that came from his creepy little mouth drift from my mind. It's so funny how strangers feel like they know you. Anyways, f**k them. :)

Lost of words at first sight.

So today while I was at work working on my reshop there was a deep velvety voice that approached me."Hello?" Feeling a bit irritated with the amount of work I had to complete I looked up, but before I could look at his face, I saw his necklace of a wooden lion which matched his brown long sleeve shirt. He was tall dark and handsome. His hair curly his skin smooth like milk chocolate. His frames hid most of his face but I knew he was beautiful. "Where is the restroom?" He asked kindly. My mouth literally hung open as I analyzed every detail of him in admiration. Seconds passed until I was able to say, "if you go down and make a left, um it's going to be where the um check out lanes are." As I stared at him through his glasses, he replied "Ok, thank you" as he grabbed his cart and walked away. I shook myself back to reality and went back to work. Minutes passed and he was back to ask me "where are your empty spray bottles?" and flashed a quick smile, I think I melted inside but this time I made sure I was quicker on my feet. "Make a left at the pharmacy and its going to be on the right at the end of the isle." He said thank you again and left. I immediately got back to work. Couple mins past again and as I was stocking some items I saw him again but he just walked past my isle and he just looked at me, then he was gone. That time around it stuck. This whole day I couldn't stop thinking about him and the more I think about what happened the harder my stomach butterflies flutter. All I know is that my job did some major cock blocking today. I hope he decides to stalk me. Lol

21 and broke

Where is the financial stability? The comfort in living? That job that I talked about previously, is gone. It was a 3 week job. Bitches be trippin. How were they not going to tell me that it was a 3 week temp job. I thought I was gonna be there til April. So I'm open for any job I don't care what it is, I'm desperate. As long as it falls within morality. I'm not going to become a skripper.

Life in NY has been pretty unstable financially and I should've known this. It is the city and those who move and survive are those who

1. Have very supportive parents
2. Moved for their career
3. Get paid to go to school

I don't fall in any of those categories. Although my mom gives me food and gas money and I'm on my fathers phone plan. It's nothing compared to the kids who get money for rent and other expenses monthly. Don't get me wrong, I'm so thankful for parents who want to see me succeed but at the same time they don't want to see comfortable to the point where I rely on them for money. It's very understandable.

I've been here for 9 months and its been a whirl wind of struggling. J and I are strong and we'll keep riding til we can't no more. We're thinking about moving to Connecticut if we can't find a stable job here soon. He knows people who can get me a job immediately and his parents live there so I'm looking seriously into it. I'm really looking for some where where I can be stable to go back to school. Quite frankly New York just ain't it. Will I be saying bye to the big apple? Only time will tell.

Shani.